It happens in an instant. I wish it came with a warning. Even if it did, would I heed? Probably not. I’d probably just gravitate toward it more. Scratch that. Fuck the warning. I guess if I’m being honest it’s kind of always there. Sometimes I think it’s a schizophrenic thing. Other times I think it’s a psychopath thing. It’s definitely a narcissist thing. That I can be 100% certain of. Whatever it is, there’s a shift. Kind of like a switch I guess. I don’t know what turns it off and on. Fuck, I wish had a remote. Fuck, I wish he had a remote. Scratch that. He gets no remote. He wouldn’t need that mother fucker anyways. Then again, maybe he would. Sometimes I think it’s out of his control. Like there are moments when he tries to warn me. Moments of realization. Moments of conviction. Maybe he does need a remote. Maybe he is just as afraid as I am. Maybe he’s powerless. Fuck that. He knows. But does he? Sometimes I think the guilt of all the fucked up he does has manifested itself into a fucking monster that he has zero control of. It has consumed him. The shit that he is capable of. Is he even aware? I hope not. For his sake. If only I was as lucky.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers. Who wrote that? Fuck. I think it might be one of the most prolific sentences I’ve ever read. How do people do that? Tell an entire story in a single sentence. Like during Regan’s speech when he was talking about the Cuban immigrant. What did he say? Fuck. I lost my train of thought. I can’t remember. Anyways, back to the monster. Oh shit, the Cuban said “I had somewhere to escape to.” Damn, I wish I had somewhere to escape to. Lucky mother fucker. Maybe my mom was right, we’re just fucking cursed. My poor mother. Bless her heart for her loyalty. I am without a doubt cursed.
Here it comes. That moment. Fuck, I need a remote. Can I order one? Amazon prime that mother fucker. What would it even be called? How would I even search for it? God the SEO on that mother fucker would be impossible to generate. No wonder those mother fuckers make so much money. Target audience: people searching for a remote to turn off the maybe schizophrenic, perhaps psychotic, but definitely a narcissist, setting on their partner. God marketing that would be a nightmare. I bet a lot of people would purchase it though. Amazon Prime Now that mother fucker for sure. Need it. Yesterday. SOS!!!
Sometimes I want to feel bad. The empath in me feels anguish in my heart for what he must be going through internally. The constant conflict between the decency left within you and the monster trying to consume it. Ugh…. it would drive anyone mad. But then I remember that it’s your own guilt that brought you to this point. Guilt from the lies, manipulation, and all the disrespectful things you’ve done has evolved into a monster that you have no control of. That’s what you get mother fucker. Fuck. I wish I could be heartless like that. My life would be so much easier. Maybe I need a remote too. Could use one of those right now.
How do I search for that? Oh shit, I probably don’t even need to do any searching. Amazon’s fucking predictive A.I. bullshit probably already has one saved in my wishlist. Fucking A.I. Thanks Besos, Bezos. I don’t know. The amazon guy. And Musk. Not sure why but I’m sure he’s got something to do with the technology that allows amazon to do their voodoo shit.
Strange to me that you lied about your “cousin” who isn’t really your cousin, just some bitch related to you through some marriage somewhere, coming over. You didn’t fuck her right? Yet the pillow was strategically placed in front of the fan and the blinds were resting on that little ledge. Why is that important? Well, according to you it’s important because of the noise they make when you’re fucking. The wood piece that we always have to fuck with when we’re fucking was also strategically placed on the floor at the foot of the bed. If i didn’t know any better, I’d say you were fucking her. For sure. If not her, who? Someone for sure.
Fuck. He must think I’m a straight moron. Or maybe he doesn’t think that which is why intimidation is the only option. Or, he just doesn’t fucking care. Whatever his thoughts. Intimidation is the tactic to control mine. Maybe not my thoughts. Can’t control those. Although I bet he wished he could you greedy mother fucker. My thoughts are the only thing you can’t bully your way out of. God you’re an asshole. It’s bad enough you were fucking your “cousin”, but if I even so much as mention you’ll just beat me up until I submit and drop it all together. Fuck I hate you. How can you be so fucking cruel?
Damn. Reality fucking sucks…… Just making a deposit my ass. We’ll see how long you’re gone. I wish you still wanted me. Someone is fulfilling those needs. There’s no fucking way you can convince me otherwise. But you know that. That’s why intimidation is the only thing that works. Fuck. It always works. You know I’m too afraid to call you out on any of the fucked up shit you’re doing to me so you just keep fucking doing it. With no conviction.
You truly are a monster. How you can tell me you love me is beyond me. No it’s not. He’s a fucking monster. That’s how he can be so cruel and tell me he loves me. That’s how he can let you walk in the rain. That’s how he can spit on you for calling him out on his bullshit. That’s how he can lay beside you in the same bed he just fucked someone else in without even changing the sheets. Fuck. You don’t even do that anymore. That’s how little respect you have for me. You won’t even change the bedding. You’ll let me fall asleep in the juices of another woman. Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with me? This emotional masochism bullshit has really gotten out of control.
I know better. I can see all the signs. I see this shit for what it is and still I fucking stay. Still I let you force me into thinking I’m the crazy one. Got me feeling a way for the bullshit you do to me with no remorse. I call it EVERY FUCKING TIME!! You know it too. That’s why you’re only fucking tactic is too bully me into a corner and make sure I’m too afraid to bring it up.
Confessions of the Female Narcissist 